And That's What Hurts
by Ann Parker
Summary: Song Fic. After months away from the JAG crew, Harm spends a night with them at McMurphy's. Takes place after episode 3 of 9th season.


Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, although I wish I did. There wouldn't be all these problems in the current season if I did. Anyway, I also don't own the song "And That's What Hurts." That's the property of Hall & Oates. This story takes place a few months after episode three of this season (nine).

**"And That's What Hurts"**

**By Ann Parker**

Drained. He couldn't think of any other way to describe how he felt. Ever since he took the job with the CIA, he felt like a shell of his former self. The emotional roller coaster in Paraguay effectively caused his feelings to shut down. Now, all his life consisted of were missions - completing the missions. He hadn't seen or spoken to anyone at JAG, particularly Mac, in over three months. It was just too hard for him to face everybody.

He tossed his leather duffel bag down, set his keys on his end table and noticed the blinking red light on his answering machine. Silently, he prayed there was a message from Mac as he pushed play. Coates' voice began to consume the room and he sighed slightly as he listened.

"Hi Sir, it's Jen. I know you are probably busy, but I just wanted to invite you out to McMurphy's on the 17th. Harriet and I decided to throw a little party just to get everyone together outside of the office and we'd love it if you could come. We all really miss you."

Before Harm had a chance to think over the message the second one played. Harm smiled as he heard Harriet's voice.

"Hi s–Harm, this is Harriet. I just thought I'd let you know about a little gathering we're having this Saturday at seven. Everyone, especially Bud, would really love it if you come make it."

Once the message ended, Harm chuckled slightly. He knew that if he didn't come and Harriet found out he was in town, he would never hear the end of it. Glancing at his watch, he realized it was Saturday. All his traveling threw off any control of time he had. He quickly headed to his bathroom to take a fast shower before heading out.

~~~ 

He parked his SUV just down the street from McMurphy's and headed in. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and the familiar, yet now foreign, atmosphere surrounded him. He quickly spotted Bud and the rest and noticed one figure was missing. Not that he cared...okay, that was a lie. Of course he cared; she was the only one he deeply cared for and she had stomped on his heart.

He slid through the crowd unnoticed, one of the new benefits of being a spook. He stayed in the background for a few minutes as he watched his former coworkers. Any problems they might of had after he left seemed to have mended themselves. Sturgis and Bud were on good speaking terms. AJ appeared to have confidence in the employees before him. Any trace that they needed him back was gone. Sighing, he took a step out of the shadows.

"Someone told me there was supposed to be some kind of party here tonight?" he said calmly as he felt everyone's eyes turn and stare. Deciding to play it cool he added, "What? Did I grow a second head since I left?" That got a few laughs as Bud came over to him.

"Sir! It's good to see you!" he exclaimed as he pulled Harm in to a hug.

Harm, a little taken back, quickly recovered as he pulled away. "Hey, it's Harm, remember? I'm no longer a high rank than you."

Bud nodded, "I've missed you Harm."

Harm smiled and patted Bud on the shoulder, "I've missed you guys too. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to visit."

Harriet stepped forward and embraced him. "That's okay Harm, I'm just glad you made it."

"How could I not come after the messages you and Jen left me? I knew you guys would come after me if you knew I was sleeping instead of here, even if I was recovering from jet lag," he joked. It was starting to feel normal to be with them again.

"How is life as a spook?" asked Sturgis, handing Harm a beer.

"It's okay, but nothing compared to JAG," he stated, glancing at AJ who looked away. Okay, so that was still a sore spot for both of them.

"It's good to see you Harm," commented AJ, tentatively sticking out his hand. Harm could tell AJ was afraid he was still bitter, but he had come to some terms with that.

"It's good to see you too...AJ," Harm replied, returning the handshake with a slight smile. AJ smiled back and the group then broke out into chatter. A few minutes later Harm heard the door swing open, and he didn't need to turn to see who it was. Her perfume attacked him as soon as she entered; it was the perfume he had bought her two years ago for Christmas. Maybe that meant she at least thought of him sometimes. He shook his head of that hopeful thought and replaced it with the mask he had perfected over the last few months.

"Hey, sorry I'm late guys. A meeting with a client took longer than expected," Mac stated as she joined the group. When she turned and spotted Harm, he noticed the shock in her eyes and held back a smile. Nice to know he could still surprise her. "Hello Harm, I didn't expect to see you here."

Harm placed a small, fake smile on his face and shrugged, "I go where I'm wanted." Silence filled the air for a moment and he could tell they were making everyone uncomfortable. He knew they shouldn't suffer through the "Harm & Mac" turmoil. "So how are you doing? How's Webb?" Okay, so he had to throw that in there.

He noticed Mac sigh slightly and knew she was anticipating that. "I'm doing okay, the office is nice and quiet now. No one is shooting up the ceiling anymore." Harm actually smiled at that, remembering one of his not so fine moments. "As for Webb, I don't know, we were never dating. I'm surprised you didn't know that since all you spooks seem to know what everyone else is doing." Harm hid his shock about their nonexistant relationship quite well. He remembered that Webb did seem to always know about their lives and he smiled.

"Only the spies that don't have anything else important to do actually look into the details of other people lives," he replied as he took a sip from his drink. Mac raised an eyebrow and headed over to the bar for a drink.

"So," stated Bud, trying to steer the topic away, "who is up for some karaoke?" Harm didn't speak to Mac after that as he watched his friends get up on the stage and embarrass themselves. Sturgis sang some Blues Brothers, Bud sang "Delilah" per Mac's request - something he didn't want to know about, and Jen sang a Shania Twain song. Harm couldn't believe he was having such a good time. He hadn't laughed or smiled this much since before Paraguay. Yet, even when he was having fun, he couldn't help but feel a little saddened. A year ago he would have been nagging Mac to get up there and sing and having a great time just sitting by her side. He couldn't do that now.

"Harm, Mac, you two are the only ones who haven't gone on stage yet," commented Harriet.

Harm glanced at Mac and noticed her look away. Had she been thinking about old times too? "I don't know Harriet, anything I sing might be depressing. I don't want to dampen the mood," he replied.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Harm. Just get up there," Harriet stated. Harm looked at her and felt as if she knew what he was about to do.

"Alright," he stood up and headed to the stage. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mac shift in her seat. He hoped she got the message with what he was about to sing. The music started and he closed his eyes as he began to sing.

"Never let nobody know me, never let nobody dare, never let somebody hold me long enough for me to care till I found you, till I found you. Never let my guard down easy, never let myself let go. I never knew the reason why, I never let my feelings show till I felt the pain of loving you."

He risked glancing at her as he sang the chorus. He wanted her to feel the pain he was in.

"And that's what hurts when we say goodbye. And that's what hurts on those sleepless nights. There's nothing I can do cause I'm lost inside of you and that's what hurts. I never let nobody touch me, never let nobody try. I never let somebody move me deep enough to make me cry till I found you, till I found you. I was strong and independent, I never needed anyone. I thought I had it all together until you came and proved me wrong. Now I'm stronger with you in my life."

He looked away when he saw her eyes glisten. He hated seeing her in pain even when he was in just as much.

"And that's what hurts when we say goodbye. And that's what hurts on those sleepless nights. There's nothing I can do cause I'm lost inside of you. And that's what hurts, yeah, and that's the catch, but the hearts not good at holding back. It's a blessing and a curse and I don't know what's worse and that's what hurts. Sometimes I wanna run, sometimes I feel just like a fool, sometimes I'm even sorry baby that I felt in love with you. Ooh, that's when it hurts, it hurts so bad. Ooh, can't sleep at night, nothing I can do cause I'm lost inside of you. It hurts, oh it hurts cause I'm lost inside of you. I can't help myself, I can't help myself. Hurts without you baby."

When the song ended, he took a breath to fight back his emotions and stepped off the stage. Everyone was silent. He had just confessed his love for Mac and the fact that she turned him down, what did he expect? "I warned you," he commented to Harriet as he stepped off stage. She simply nodded. "Hey, I'm gonna head home before I fall asleep behind the wheel. It was great seeing you guys; I promise to meet up with you again soon." He waved goodbye as he avoided looking into Mac's eyes.

Once outside the door, he let go of his mask. It may be a perfect shield, but he could only keep it up for so long. He knew that if he looked into Mac's eyes he would have lost it. He was almost to his car when he heard her voice.

"Harm!" He froze as he listened to her footsteps run over to him. "Harm, don't go, please."

"Why Mac?" he asked without turning around.

"Because," she started as she moved in front of him. Her brown eyes met his blue and when he saw the emotion there he knew he wouldn't be able to fight her. "I can't do this anymore."

"Do what? You're the one that gave up on us, remember?" he replied. So maybe a little bit of a fight. If she wanted him, he wasn't going to make it easy.

"Because I was scared. I waited for so long for you to let go that when you finally did I didn't know what to do. I tried replacing you with Webb, even though I knew it wouldn't work. The only connection we had was through the trama we shared together, it is nothing compared to the bond you and I have, or had. I knew I needed you from the moment you walked out of the office," she replied.

"Then why come after me now?" he asked. "Why wait so long?"

"I don't know, why are things always so complicated between us? All I know is that I love you and if you'll let me, I want to be back in your life. I promise I'll make these last few months up to you if it's the last thing I do," she stated, both fear and determination in her voice.

Harm smiled, "complicated, huh? Maybe this will clear things up." He caught her slightly smile as his lips bent down to meet hers, sealing the deal. Sure, she had broken his heart, but he knew she was the only one who could put it back together.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

What do you think? Feedback please! This is probably it, but if I find inspiration maybe I'll write a sequel.


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